The Jury is Out
As my semester comes to an end I find myself reflecting on the past few months. I took 4 classes this semester and had two professors. We'll call them Dr. Disorganized and Dr. Unapproachable. At the beginning of the semester, I was very excited to be getting started on my Master's degree. I was excited to learn a lot and get to know the professors that would inspire me to greatness :).
All was well until I began to realize that Dr. Unapproachable was some what standoffish and very set in her ways. When asked if I could email her an assignment because I didn't want to drive 45 minutes both ways just to drop it off, I could tell that she felt like she should say yes, but she made it clear that she really didn't want me to. So I went out of my way to get the assignment done early so I could turn it in. That I could deal with. What became harder to deal with was the way that instead of teaching she read off of the power point (something I could myself) and that she tried to force us into discussion. The reason that she had to force the class into discussion was that she always seemed displeased with our answers. I wanted to suggest that she just tell us what she thought because there was no point in putting us through "discussion" if she already knew the answers. Happily the discussion sections of class did get better as she seemed to let go of a little control and allow us to think freely without feeling the need to tell us why what we thought was wrong. But unfortunately, by then the damage had already been done, so most discussion consisted of me and a few other people (who also were confident enough stand under such scrutiny) giving our opinions and a lot of long awkward silences.
Then we started handing in assignments. It was a struggle to get anything concrete out of her about what she wanted our assignments to include. What we did get out of her was vague and unhelpful in most cases. So each paper and presentation was wrought with anxiety over getting an F because we didn't do at all what she wanted. Happily, I got my grades back and did very well on all my assignments, but unfortunately not everyone in my class was so lucky. Thus due to her class I have been give the title of "the smart girl", which is fine, because I am pretty smart ;). However, this title requires that I receive censure anytime I complain about an assignment or test or seek to commiserate with my fellow students. This title also means that I automatically get placed in the position of leader in any group projects which means that I am in charge of putting together group papers. Group papers that take me 12 hours to put together because people in my group cannot write a complete sentence, which makes me feel as though I am much smarter then my classmates. It's a vicious cycle really. Especially because, while I've never been seen as stupid, there have always been people in my life who were smarter which lifted the burden of "smart girl" from my shoulders. I digress.
Another thing about Dr. Unapproachable is that every time I went to her office to ask her a question I got the distinct feeling that she wanted me out. She made me nervous and when I'm nervous I talk quickly and in great detail. The more I talked the more I felt she wanted me to leave. Yet at the same time she wanted to appear as though she was available. It really is pretty weird.
Dr. Unorganized had a completely different personality. He is a genuinely nice guy who I whole heartedly believe wants me to succeed as a counselor. At least that is what he is like as the Dean of the program. As a professor, it's a different story. He is still the same genuinely nice, caring person. The difference is that he is incredibly unorganized. I had him for three classes this semester. Anyone who has been in higher education knows that that is far too much to have any one professor during a semester. I need variety in my life. Anyway, it is unfortunate that genuine caring for your students does not make you a good teacher. If it did Dr. Unorganized would have been the best. As it was, he was not only unorganized, but unclear and boring (the cardinal sin of teaching!). The one good thing about his classes where that I managed to get a lot of homework completed during his lectures. It was really too bad that he lost most of those assignments. He lost four of my assignments this semester. I had to resubmit them and three of them I have yet to receive back. I spoke with him yesterday about the possibility of getting them back before the end of the semester and I'm not optimistic. His disorganization would not have bothered me as much as it did if it did not make my life more stressful as a result. He wasted my time, often, and if there is one thing that I have no patience for it is people who waste my time, especially time that I am paying for.
Another thing that was very interesting about classes this semester is all the praying. Both Dr. Unorganized and Dr. Unapproachable prayed before each class. I really didn't have a problem with it at first, but then they started taking prayer requests. Which I also didn't have a problem with at first, but then, prayer time started going longer and longer into class time. I agree that prayer is important, but I am also paying to get an education and when it takes us 30 to 45 minutes to get to what I am paying for...I'm not happy. I am not paying for a prayer group. I am also not paying to hear about the horribly sinful people who work with you at Walmart or about your brother's, sister' cousin who is in rehab. Sometimes there were genuine, serious requests people brought up and I felt for them, but their requests were belittled by all of the others that came after. Overall, I felt that it was just another way to shove Christianity down my throat and I didn't really understand it until I did my first evaluation for my class. Two questions stuck out to me: Was your professor's Christian faith clear and This class helped me to grow spiritually. Now I understand that this is one of the ways that they are trying to ensure I have an opportunity to be spiritual in each class. Praying before class is an easy answer to spirituality. How else do you bring spirituality to Research class? Firstly, I think that this suggests a narrow view of spirituality and second it forces things that are not inherently spiritual to be spiritual, which if you have known me for long, you know I hate over spiritualizing anything. If something does not led itself to spirituality are we really doing anyone any favors by forcing it? Or are we afraid that if we don't constantly announce our faith that people won't know? Or is spirituality so natural for people other then me that it's not forcing and it makes sense to them? I really don't know.
Which brings me to another problem I've had this semester. I am liberal, both politically and spiritually. Going into this semester I mostly kept my opinions to myself. I did not want to judge or be judged before I had the opportunity to get to know people personally. I'm glad that I did that, in a way. But on the other hand it gave people the opportunity to assume that my silence meant agreement. Thus, when people began to get to know me better, there were a lot of surprised looks and even a little shock. (this was especially true when it got out that I was voting for Obama) The reactions I got worried me. We are studying to be counselors, counselors aren't supposed to be judgemental or show shock or make people feel bad about what they believe. We are supposed to respect people and accept them as they are. I wonder how well some of my classmates will be able to do that.
The two hot button issues this semester were...wait for it...abortion and homosexuality (shocking, I know). We actually spent an entire class discussing how we would "deal" with a same sex couple coming to us for relationship counseling. Personally, especially with my counselor hat on, this is a non-issue. My goal is to help my clients get to where they want to be, not to where I think they need to be. Therefore, if a couple, any couple, came to me wanted to make their relationship better, I'd help. And when I said this to my class (because I was called on to speak, I wanted to keep my mouth shut), I got a lot of blank stares. Even my professor seemed surprised. Luckily, I was able to keep about of any debates about abortion, because I'm pretty sure that my position that Christians are wasting their time trying to fight legislation, when they could be building relationships with the women who are getting abortions and adopting unwanted children, would have also gotten me some interesting looks.
Another thing that really surprised me about my classmates is that I am one of the older students. Granted, I'm only a few years older, but I have also had more life experiences. I was looking forward to gleaning from people with more life experience than me.
All that to get to this point, I don't know if I like the program. And I don't know if I want to try applying to Ball State again. I'm not sure if the hassle of trying to get my classes transfered again is worth it. Especially since I'll be halfway through the program after spring semester. So, the jury is still out, I'm giving this place another semester to impress me. I have two new profs next semester, maybe they will be better.
In a way, I feel like this experience is good for me. I've held some anger towards conservative Christianity in the past and this school is forcing me to face it head on. Which in turn will help me to become a more accepting and well rounded counselor. And I'm not one for giving up when things get challenging, especially when that challenge could help me become a better person.
Any thoughts that will help me in my deliberations would be welcome.
